25w or 5 months: Tub of Love

As I approach my 38th birthday in a few hours, I realized that I want update my blog, but then again I'm torn. I started a shutterfly site too and I hate updating more than one thing - is there any consolidation for all these websites? Obviously, I'm terrible at updating anything, consolidation or not. Whatevs. So here I am approaching 38 and feeling sad and lonely. I honestly don't like MY birthdays. It's not the age that bothers me. I feel the loneliest when my birthday comes around. Most of the time I'm planning everyone else's birthday. Then when it's my birthday, I'm home alone. Go figure. At this moment, I wish I had siblings to celebrate with. I have cousins and friends, but everyone does their own thing. It's not like me to beg for some attention. People tend to think I'm strong, but the reality I'm probably the weakest of the group. I tend to hide the real feelings of emptiness behind the fake smile. After what happened this year, I told myself I will enjoy every birthday because it is the celebration of life. But I have talked myself out of being happy for a birthday - my birthday. I am bummed because I am supposed to celebrate my birthday surrounded by the people I love - my 3 kids and my husband. I had an emergency c-section for the twins at 34w1d on June 7, 2012. The boy was not doing well in utero. The girl survived, but the boy died a couple hours after birth. Baby girl had to stay in the NICU for 1 month before coming home. Long story short, baby boy has Noonan Syndrome which caused the cystic hygroma and heart defect and eventually hydrops fetalis which took his life. Our lives were turned upside down. My husband was rushed home from Afghanistan, but returned to the war grounds a week after baby girl got to come home. Before she came home, we had daily hospital visits, planned a funeral for her twin brother, and tried to keep big sister on her regular preschool routine. I didn't know if we were coming or going. I'm still in a fog. We ended up having the funeral on Father's Day. It's such a mix of emotions. I love my 3 kids. I am sad that baby boy is no longer with us. I am happy baby girl is growing. She's actually a chunky monkey at 5 minths old. She doesn't sit up or roll over like her friends, but she's trying. Big sister is now a kindergartener - she is truly testing me daily. I can't wait til daddy comes home for her and my sanity. Daddy is finally coming home soon. We hope Santa will bring us an early Christmas present. Instead of 3 kids and husband to celebrate with me, I have 2 live children and blessed with the spirit of one while my husband fights for our country. I just can't help but think, I sacrificed to carry twins and yet I now can only hold one. I feel blessed most of the time, but I am in one of those dark moments. I know God is there and time will heal, but this is painful. Not only am I overwhelmed with these emotions, I cannot even see the floor in my room. My mind is as chaotic as my actual surroundings. Happy birthday to me. Hopefully, it will be a better day tomorrow.